Archive for the ‘Fw: Favorite’ Category

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Fw: Favorite New Jobs Created by Healthcare Bill

April 12, 2010

1. Grant program for consumer assistance offices (Section 1002, p. 37)
2. Grant program for states to monitor premium increases (Section 1003, p. 42)
3. Committee to review administrative simplification standards (Section 1104, p. 71)
4. Demonstration program for state wellness programs (Section 1201, p. 93)
5. Grant program to establish state Exchanges (Section 1311(a), p. 130)
6. State American Health Benefit Exchanges (Section 1311(b), p. 131)
7. Exchange grants to establish consumer navigator programs (Section 1311(I), p. 150)
8. Grant program for state cooperatives (Section 1322, p. 169)
9. Advisory board for state cooperatives (Section 1322(b)(3), p. 173)
10. Private purchasing council for state cooperatives (Section 1322(d), p. 177)
11. State basic health plan programs (Section 1331, p. 201)
12. State-based reinsurance program (Section 1341, p. 226)
13. Program of risk corridors for individual and small group markets (Section 1342, p. 233)
14. Program to determine eligibility for Exchange participation (Section 1411, p. 267)
15. Program for advance determination of tax credit eligibility (Section 1412, p. 288)
16. Grant program to implement health IT enrollment standards (Section 1561, p. 370)
17. Federal Coordinated Health Care Office for dual eligible beneficiaries (Section 2602, p. 512)
18. Medicaid quality measurement program (Section 2701, p. 518)
19. Medicaid health home program for people with chronic conditions, and grants for planning same (Section 2703, p. 524)
20. Medicaid demonstration project to evaluate bundled payments (Section 2704, p. 532)
21. Medicaid demonstration project for global payment system (Section 2705, p. 536)
22. Medicaid demonstration project for accountable care organizations (Section 2706, p. 538)
23. Medicaid demonstration project for emergency psychiatric care (Section 2707, p. 540)
24. Grant program for delivery of services to individuals with postpartum depression (Section 2952(b), p. 591)
25. State allotments for grants to promote personal responsibility education programs (Section 2953, p. 596)
26. Medicare value-based purchasing program (Section 3001(a), p. 613)
27. Medicare value-based purchasing demonstration program for critical access hospitals (Section 3001(b), p. 637)
28. Medicare value-based purchasing program for skilled nursing facilities (Section 3006(a), p. 666)
29. Medicare value-based purchasing program for home health agencies (Section 3006(b), p. 668)
30. Interagency Working Group on Health Care Quality (Section 3012, p. 688)
31. Grant program to develop health care quality measures (Section 3013, p. 693)
32. Center for Medicare and Medicaid Innovation (Section 3021, p. 712)
33. Medicare shared savings program (Section 3022, p. 728)
34. Medicare pilot program on payment bundling (Section 3023, p. 739)
35. Independence at home medical practice demonstration program (Section 3024, p. 752)
36. Program for use of patient safety organizations to reduce hospital readmission rates (Section 3025(b), p. 775)
37. Community-based care transitions program (Section 3026, p. 776)
38. Demonstration project for payment of complex diagnostic laboratory tests (Section 3113, p. 800)
39. Medicare hospice concurrent care demonstration project (Section 3140, p. 850)
40. Independent Payment Advisory Board (Section 3403, p. 982)
41. Consumer Advisory Council for Independent Payment Advisory Board (Section 3403, p. 1027)
42. Grant program for technical assistance to providers implementing health quality practices (Section 3501, p. 1043)
43. Grant program to establish interdisciplinary health teams (Section 3502, p. 1048)
44. Grant program to implement medication therapy management (Section 3503, p. 1055)
45. Grant program to support emergency care pilot programs (Section 3504, p. 1061)
46. Grant program to promote universal access to trauma services (Section 3505(b), p. 1081)
47. Grant program to develop and promote shared decision-making aids (Section 3506, p. 1088)
48. Grant program to support implementation of shared decision-making (Section 3506, p. 1091)
49. Grant program to integrate quality improvement in clinical education (Section 3508, p. 1095)
50. Health and Human Services Coordinating Committee on Women’s Health (Section 3509(a), p. 1098)
51. Centers for Disease Control Office of Women’s Health (Section 3509(b), p. 1102)
52. Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality Office of Women’s Health (Section 3509(e), p. 1105)
53. Health Resources and Services Administration Office of Women’s Health (Section 3509(f), p. 1106)
54. Food and Drug Administration Office of Women’s Health (Section 3509(g), p. 1109)
55. National Prevention, Health Promotion, and Public Health Council (Section 4001, p. 1114)
56. Advisory Group on Prevention, Health Promotion, and Integrative and Public Health (Section 4001(f), p. 1117)
57. Prevention and Public Health Fund (Section 4002, p. 1121)
58. Community Preventive Services Task Force (Section 4003(b), p. 1126)
59. Grant program to support school-based health centers (Section 4101, p. 1135)
60. Grant program to promote research-based dental caries disease management (Section 4102, p. 1147)
61. Grant program for States to prevent chronic disease in Medicaid beneficiaries (Section 4108, p. 1174)
62. Community transformation grants (Section 4201, p. 1182)
63. Grant program to provide public health interventions (Section 4202, p. 1188)
64. Demonstration program of grants to improve child immunization rates (Section 4204(b), p. 1200)
65. Pilot program for risk-factor assessments provided through community health centers (Section 4206, p. 1215)
66. Grant program to increase epidemiology and laboratory capacity (Section 4304, p. 1233)
67. Interagency Pain Research Coordinating Committee (Section 4305, p. 1238)
68. National Health Care Workforce Commission (Section 5101, p. 1256)
69. Grant program to plan health care workforce development activities (Section 5102(c), p. 1275)
70. Grant program to implement health care workforce development activities (Section 5102(d), p. 1279)
71. Pediatric specialty loan repayment program (Section 5203, p. 1295)
72. Public Health Workforce Loan Repayment Program (Section 5204, p. 1300)
73. Allied Health Loan Forgiveness Program (Section 5205, p. 1305)
74. Grant program to provide mid-career training for health professionals (Section 5206, p. 1307)
75. Grant program to fund nurse-managed health clinics (Section 5208, p. 1310)
76. Grant program to support primary care training programs (Section 5301, p. 1315)
77. Grant program to fund training for direct care workers (Section 5302, p. 1322)
78. Grant program to develop dental training programs (Section 5303, p. 1325)
79. Demonstration program to increase access to dental health care in underserved communities (Section 5304, p. 1331)
80. Grant program to promote geriatric education centers (Section 5305, p. 1334)
81. Grant program to promote health professionals entering geriatrics (Section 5305, p. 1339)
82. Grant program to promote training in mental and behavioral health (Section 5306, p. 1344)
83. Grant program to promote nurse retention programs (Section 5309, p. 1354)
84. Student loan forgiveness for nursing school faculty (Section 5311(b), p. 1360)
85. Grant program to promote positive health behaviors and outcomes (Section 5313, p. 1364)
86. Public Health Sciences Track for medical students (Section 5315, p. 1372)
87. Primary Care Extension Program to educate providers (Section 5405, p. 1404)
88. Grant program for demonstration projects to address health workforce shortage needs (Section 5507, p. 1442)
89. Grant program for demonstration projects to develop training programs for home health aides (Section 5507, p. 1447)
90. Grant program to establish new primary care residency programs (Section 5508(a), p. 1458)
91. Program of payments to teaching health centers that sponsor medical residency training (Section 5508(c), p. 1462)
92. Graduate nurse education demonstration program (Section 5509, p. 1472)
93. Grant program to establish demonstration projects for community-based mental health settings (Section 5604, p. 1486)
94. Commission on Key National Indicators (Section 5605, p. 1489)
95. Quality assurance and performance improvement program for skilled nursing facilities (Section 6102, p. 1554)
96. Special focus facility program for skilled nursing facilities (Section 6103(a)(3), p. 1561)
97. Special focus facility program for nursing facilities (Section 6103(b)(3), p. 1568)
98. National independent monitor pilot program for skilled nursing facilities and nursing facilities (Section 6112, p. 1589)
99. Demonstration projects for nursing facilities involved in the culture change movement (Section 6114, p. 1597)
100. Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute (Section 6301, p. 1619)
101. Standing methodology committee for Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute (Section 6301, p. 1629)
102. Board of Governors for Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute (Section 6301, p. 1638)
103. Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Trust Fund (Section 6301(e), p. 1656)
104. Elder Justice Coordinating Council (Section 6703, p. 1773)
105. Advisory Board on Elder Abuse, Neglect, and Exploitation (Section 6703, p. 1776)
106. Grant program to create elder abuse forensic centers (Section 6703, p. 1783)
107. Grant program to promote continuing education for long-term care staffers (Section 6703, p. 1787)
108. Grant program to improve management practices and training (Section 6703, p. 1788)
109. Grant program to subsidize costs of electronic health records (Section 6703, p. 1791)
110. Grant program to promote adult protective services (Section 6703, p. 1796)
111. Grant program to conduct elder abuse detection and prevention (Section 6703, p. 1798)
112. Grant program to support long-term care ombudsmen (Section 6703, p. 1800)
113. National Training Institute for long-term care surveyors (Section 6703, p. 1806)
114. Grant program to fund State surveys of long-term care residences (Section 6703, p. 1809)
115. CLASS Independence Fund (Section 8002, p. 1926)
116. CLASS Independence Fund Board of Trustees (Section 8002, p. 1927)
117. CLASS Independence Advisory Council (Section 8002, p. 1931)
118. Personal Care Attendants Workforce Advisory Panel (Section 8002(c), p. 1938)
119. Multi-state health plans offered by Office of Personnel Management (Section 10104(p), p. 2086)
120. Advisory board for multi-state health plans (Section 10104(p), p. 2094)
121. Pregnancy Assistance Fund (Section 10212, p. 2164)
122. Value-based purchasing program for ambulatory surgical centers (Section 10301, p. 2176)
123. Demonstration project for payment adjustments to home health services (Section 10315, p. 2200)
124. Pilot program for care of individuals in environmental emergency declaration areas (Section 10323, p. 2223)
125. Grant program to screen at-risk individuals for environmental health conditions (Section 10323(b), p. 2231)
126. Pilot programs to implement value-based purchasing (Section 10326, p. 2242)
127. Grant program to support community-based collaborative care networks (Section 10333, p. 2265)
128. Centers for Disease Control Office of Minority Health (Section 10334, p. 2272)
129. Health Resources and Services Administration Office of Minority Health (Section 10334, p. 2272)
130. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Office of Minority Health (Section 10334, p. 2272)
131. Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality Office of Minority Health (Section 10334, p. 2272)
132. Food and Drug Administration Office of Minority Health (Section 10334, p. 2272)
133. Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Office of Minority Health (Section 10334, p. 2272)
134. Grant program to promote small business wellness programs (Section 10408, p. 2285)
135. Cures Acceleration Network (Section 10409, p. 2289)
136. Cures Acceleration Network Review Board (Section 10409, p. 2291)
137. Grant program for Cures Acceleration Network (Section 10409, p. 2297)
138. Grant program to promote centers of excellence for depression (Section 10410, p. 2304)
139. Advisory committee for young women’s breast health awareness education campaign (Section 10413, p. 2322)
140. Grant program to provide assistance to provide information to young women with breast cancer (Section 10413, p. 2326)
141. Interagency Access to Health Care in Alaska Task Force (Section 10501, p. 2329)
142. Grant program to train nurse practitioners as primary care providers (Section 10501(e), p. 2332)
143. Grant program for community-based diabetes prevention (Section 10501(g), p. 2337)
144. Grant program for providers who treat a high percentage of medically underserved populations (Section 10501(k), p. 2343)
145. Grant program to recruit students to practice in underserved communities (Section 10501(l), p. 2344)
146. Community Health Center Fund (Section 10503, p. 2355)
147. Demonstration project to provide access to health care for the uninsured at reduced fees (Section 10504, p. 2357)
148. Demonstration program to explore alternatives to tort litigation (Section 10607, p. 2369)
149. Indian Health demonstration program for chronic shortages of health professionals (S. 1790, Section 112, p. 24)*
150. Office of Indian Men’s Health (S. 1790, Section 136, p. 71)*
151. Indian Country modular component facilities demonstration program (S. 1790, Section 146, p. 108)*
152. Indian mobile health stations demonstration program (S. 1790, Section 147, p. 111)*
153. Office of Direct Service Tribes (S. 1790, Section 172, p. 151)*
154. Indian Health Service mental health technician training program (S. 1790, Section 181, p. 173)*
155. Indian Health Service program for treatment of child sexual abuse victims (S. 1790, Section 181, p. 192)*
156. Indian Health Service program for treatment of domestic violence and sexual abuse (S. 1790, Section 181, p. 194)*
157. Indian youth telemental health demonstration project (S. 1790, Section 181, p. 204)*
158. Indian youth life skills demonstration project (S. 1790, Section 181, p. 220)*
159. Indian Health Service Director of HIV/AIDS Prevention and Treatment (S. 1790, Section 199B, p. 258)*

*Section 10221, page 2173 of H.R. 3590 deems that S. 1790 shall be deemed as passed with certain amendments.

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Fw: Favorite

January 9, 2010

Some good old classic Marine propaganda for the new year. Some old and some
I had not read before.

United States Marine Corps

By W. Thomas Smith Jr.

Beginning this month, leathernecks from the 1st Marine Expeditionary
Force will return to Iraq, replacing elements of the Army’s 82nd
Airborne Division. The return of the Marines is surely bad news for
those desperate to undermine the liberation of Iraq.

Not to take anything away from the U.S. Army — its soldiers have
performed magnificently, and will no doubt continue to do so — but
America’s enemies have a particular fear of U.S. Marines. During the
first Gulf War in 1991, over 100,000 Iraqi soldiers were deployed along
the Iraqi-Kuwaiti coastline in anticipation of a landing by some 17,000
U.S. Marines. Terrified by what they had been taught about the combat
prowess of Marines, the Iraqi soldiers had nicknamed them “Angels of
Death.”

The moniker — first published by Pulitzer-winner Rick Atkinson in his
best-selling Crusade — carried over into the second Gulf war, last year,
as the 1st Marine Division swept across the Iraqi plains. Attacking
American forces were unsettling enough, but reports of the seaborne
“Angels of Death” being among the lead elements were paralyzing to many
Iraqi combatants.
Despite less armor than other American ground forces, the Marines were
among the first to fight their way into Baghdad. And when intelligence
indicated that foreign troops were coming to the aid of Iraqi diehards,
Marine Brig. Gen. John Kelly stated, “we want all Jihad fighters to come
here. That way we can kill them all before they get bus tickets to New
York City.”

Typical Marine bravado, some say. But it works. Best-selling author Tom
Clancy once wrote, “Marines are mystical. They have magic.” It is this
same magic, Clancy added, that “may well frighten potential opponents
more than the actual violence Marines can generate in combat.”

Fear of Marines is not a new phenomenon, nor is it unique to Iraqi
soldiers. Established in 1775, the U.S. Marine Corps came of age in
World War I during the 1918 Chateau Thierry campaign near the French
village of Bouresches. There, Marines assaulted a line of German
machine-gun nests on an old hunting preserve known as Belleau Wood. The
fighting was terrible. Those Marines who weren’t cut down by the enemy
guns captured the nests in a grisly close-quarters slugfest.

The shocked Germans nicknamed their foes, teufelhunden (devil dogs).
“Marines are considered a sort of elite Corps designed to go into action
outside the United States,” read a German intelligence report following
the battle. “They consider their membership in the Marine Corps to be
something of an honor. They proudly resent any attempts to place their
regiments on a par with other infantry regiments.”

Twenty-four years later as the 1st Marine Division was steaming toward
Guadalcanal, a Japanese radio propagandist taunted that which the
Japanese soldiers feared most. “Where are the famous United States
Marines hiding?” the announcer asked. “The Marines are supposed to be
the finest soldiers in the world, but no one has seen them yet?”
Over the next three years, Marines would further their reputation at
places with names like Tarawa, Saipan, and Iwo Jima.

That reputation carried over into the Korean War. “Panic sweeps my men
when they are facing the American Marines,” confessed a captured North
Korean major. It was a fear echoed by his Chinese allies. In late 1950,
Chinese premier Mao Tse Tung put out a contract on the 1st Marine
Division. The Marine division, according to Mao in written orders to the
commander of the Chinese 9th Army Group, “has the highest combat
effectiveness in the American armed forces. It seems not enough for our
four divisions to surround and annihilate its two regiments. You should
have one or two more divisions as a reserve force.” Though costly for
both sides, the subsequent Chinese trap failed to destroy the 1st Marine
Division.

U.S. Army Maj. Gen. Frank Lowe later admitted, “The safest place in
Korea was right behind a platoon of Marines. Lord, how they could
fight!”

Over a decade later, Marines were the first major ground combat force in
Vietnam. Army Gen. William C. Westmoreland, who commanded all American
military forces in that country, conservatively stated he “admired the
élan of Marines.” But despite the admiration, some Army leaders found
their equally proficient units wanting for similar respect.

In 1982, during the invasion of Grenada, Army General John Vesey, then
chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, telephoned one of his officers
and demanded to know why there were “two companies of Marines running
all over the island and thousands of Army troops doing nothing. What the
hell is going on?”

The reputation of Marines stems from a variety of factors: The Marine
Corps is the smallest, most unique branch of the U.S armed forces.
Though it is organized as a separate armed service, it is officially a
Naval infantry/combined-arms force overseen by the secretary of the
Navy. The Corps’ philosophical approach to training and combat differs
from other
branches. Marine boot camp — more of a rite-of-passage than a training
program — is the longest and toughest recruit indoctrination program of
any of the military services. Men and women train separately. All
Marines from private to Commandant are considered to be
first-and-foremost riflemen. And special-operations units in the Marines
are not accorded the same respect as they are in other branches. The
Marines view special operations as simply another realm of warfighting.
Marines are Marines, and no individual Marine or Marine unit is
considered more elite than the other.

Consequently, newly minted Marines believe themselves to be superior to
other soldiers, spawning understandable resentment from other branches.
But do Marines actually fight better than other soldiers? Rivals argue
it’s not so much their ability to fight — though that’s never been a
question — but that Marines are simply masters in the art of public
relations.
President Harry Truman once stated that Marines “have a propaganda
machine that is almost equal to Stalin’s.” Fact is, while other armed
services have lured recruits with promises of money for college, “a
great way of life,” or “being all you can be;” the Marines have asked
only “for a few good men [and today, women]” with the mettle to join
their ranks.

Not surprisingly, there have been numerous unsuccessful efforts —
primarily on the part of some Army and Navy officers — to have the Corps
either disbanded or absorbed into the Army or Navy. Most of those
efforts took place in the first half of the 20th Century But even after
the Marines’ stellar performance in World War II, Army General Frank
Armstrong proposed bringing them into the Army fold and condescendingly
referring to the Corps as “a small bitched-up army talking Navy lingo.”

As late as 1997, Assistant Secretary of the Army Sara Lister took aim at
the Marines. “I think the Army is much more connected to society than
the Marines are.” Lister said before an audience at Harvard University.
“Marines are extremists. Wherever you have extremists, you’ve got some
risks of total disconnection with society. And that’s a little
dangerous.”

Of course, the Commandant of the Marine Corps demanded an apology.
Lister was fired. And Marines secretly said among themselves, “Yes we
are extremists. We are dangerous. That’s why we win wars and are feared
throughout the world.”

Despite its detractors, the Marines have become a wholly American
institution — like baseball players, cowboys, and astronauts — in the
eyes of most Americans. Marines indeed may be extreme, but America loves
them, extremism and all. And fortunately for America, her enemies in the
war against terror will continue to shudder upon hearing, “the Marines
have landed.”

— A former U.S. Marine infantry leader, W. Thomas Smith Jr. is a
freelance journalist whose work has appeared in a variety of national
and international publications. His third book, Alpha Bravo Delta Guide
to American Airborne Forces, has just been published.

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Fw: Favorite

December 17, 2009

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: “There is no Santa Claus,” she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus!” she snorted. “Ridiculous! Don’t believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let’s go.” “Go?  Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my second world-famous, cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it.

I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.

I was only eight years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker.   He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess since it had gotten cold. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough, and he didn’t have a coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!

I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that. “Is this a Christmas present for someone?” the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes,” Ireplied shyly. “It’s …. for Bobby.” The nice lady smiled at me. She put the coat in a bag and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and wrote on the package, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” — Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy.

Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa’s helpers. We parked down the street from Bobby’s house, and she and I crept noiselessly, ducking behind the bushes by the front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. “All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going!”

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous.  Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.

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Fw: Favorite

October 31, 2009

The Zen of Sarcasm

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don’t walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.

3.     It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re
going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced,
you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like
everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away
and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably
not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11.    If you lend some-one $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember
anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the
windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18.    There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works..

19.  Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when
your lips are moving .

20.  Experience is something you don’t get until just
after you need it.

21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22 .  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Fw: Favorite

October 20, 2009

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

‘Man, that guy is stupid,’ I thought to myself.  I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

  • I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.  That’s 96 miles each day.
  • Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper.
  • Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway (must be Northern VA).
  • There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
  • That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
  • Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
  • That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
  • Statistically, females drive half of these. That’s 18,000 women drivers!
  • In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.
  • According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.
  • According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered homicide. That’s 98.
  • And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
  • According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?  I don’t think so.

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Fw: Favorite

September 15, 2009

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. ;-)
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Part II The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach..
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. ;-)
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. :-o

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August 28, 2009

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door, hoping the parishioner would reference the Bible and realize he’d come by. Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’

The following Sunday, the pastor saw the parishioner in the audience but after services, wasn’t able to catch up with her. But did find that his card had been returned in the offering basket. Written under his words were ‘Genesis  3:10’. After reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’