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October 31, 2009

The Zen of Sarcasm

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don’t walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.

3.     It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re
going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced,
you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like
everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away
and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably
not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11.    If you lend some-one $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember
anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the
windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18.    There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works..

19.  Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when
your lips are moving .

20.  Experience is something you don’t get until just
after you need it.

21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22 .  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

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