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Fw: Favorite

June 15, 2009

My favorite email forward from last week was:

I just want to thank all of you on my regular email group for your educational insights over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels and can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot and again, I I really don’t know what they’ve done while on the phone).

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to the lady who sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 
 
I also have to scrub the top of every can that I open for the same reason. 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to YOU, I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas (never at Chevron so I don’t inadvertantly give money to commies).  Oh I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I will never pick up a bill over $1  in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a predator waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer and also count how many times I’ve re-heated leftovers in plastic containers so that I throw them out after 5 trips in the nuke machine.
 
Speaking of, THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW that I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to  Jamaica ,  Uganda , Singapore, and  Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU, I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . . ..

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time but I no longer worry about my soul because since dutifully forwarding all of your emails, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

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