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Underground Eye Torture

February 12, 2009

I thought setting an eye appointment for 10 am near work would be ‘wham, bam, thank you (Dr.) Ma’am’ and off to the office but nooo. I went to the eyeball clearinghouse of the Underground. Crystal City Underground, that is.

The first thing that was crazy is I was led behind a cubicle divide by a chain-smoking lady who seemed a bit undead for 10 am. Her dry, gutteral voice ordered me to sit on a chair, which she remotely adjusted to a lower height. It was loud and vibrated like you wouldn’t believe and as she apologized for it, I told her it was kind of fun. Well, that made her think that meant I was up for disturbing jokes. Like that the thing that she aims at your face and has flying saucer-looking lights scares the you-know-what out of little children “but even though it’s sad it makes me giggle.” Yeah lady, you scared ME and I am only giggling now, after it was long over!

The next thing that was crazy was the actual doctor. She was having a WTF morning where nothing went right. Like the virtual paperwork program on her computer that she was about to update with the results of my traumatic experiences behind the wall. She confided in me that she “hates technology” and was born into the “wrong century.” Yeah, that’s “EXACTLY” what I want to hear from somebody about to not touch my eye but push a one ton piece of machinery startlingly close to my understandably, naturally dilated pupil. It was fight or flight at this point!

What happened after was cool actually. The doc knows her stuff. I asked if appointments were required to be on a yearly basis as part of a conspiracy by optometrists and the like to get my money. She said no,  it was so they could make sure nothing funky happens to eyes while sucked onto a piece of plastic for a year. She also explained that she was making my right eye’s prescription the same as my left eye to get them both to work better together. Mrs. Undead Arthur outside told me “even if one of your eyes got shot out of your head, your brain wouldn’t know the difference and be just fine with one.” ?!

I guess. After almost two hours I was happy to have my free pair of contacts and hope to not to have to see either of them again ’till next year.

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