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The Zen of Sarcasm

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don’t walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.

3.     It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re
going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced,
you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like
everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away
and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably
not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11.    If you lend some-one $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember
anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the
windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18.    There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works..

19.  Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when
your lips are moving .

20.  Experience is something you don’t get until just
after you need it.

21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22 .  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

‘Man, that guy is stupid,’ I thought to myself.  I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

• I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.  That’s 96 miles each day.

• Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper.

• Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway (must be Northern VA).

• There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

• That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

• Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

• That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

• Statistically, females drive half of these. That’s 18,000 women drivers!

• In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.

• According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

• According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered homicide. That’s 98.

• And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

• According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?  I don’t think so.

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Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. ;-)
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Part II The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach..
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. ;-)
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. :-o

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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20′ on the back of it and stuck it in the door, hoping the parishioner would reference the Bible and realize he’d come by. Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’

The following Sunday, the pastor saw the parishioner in the audience but after services, wasn’t able to catch up with her. But did find that his card had been returned in the offering basket. Written under his words were ‘Genesis  3:10′. After reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’

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Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors and tortured before they died.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes,and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants. Nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated, and they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying.Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill
were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It’s not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember: freedom is never free!

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This is why you should ALWAYS twirl once in front of a mirror before leaving your house.