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This is why you should ALWAYS twirl once in front of a mirror before leaving your house.

Play me off the Internet, Keyboard Cat

I just discovered “Play him off, keyboard cat” videos on YouTube and now cannot get to sleep. I highly suggest that you do not scroll down or your day/night will be sent searching for the even funnier videos that people have spliced the keyboard cat into.

Should I feel bad about laughing SO HARD at this little daredevil?

There’s one with the Miss America contestant, but I think this erudite Judge Judy contestant takes the cake.

It can only be followed up by this zombie child’s interview at a Portland fair.

This guy is REALLY glad he’s not the father.

Mindless Timewaster: Trap the Kitty

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My favorite email forward from last week was:

I just want to thank all of you on my regular email group for your educational insights over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels and can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot and again, I I really don’t know what they’ve done while on the phone).

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to the lady who sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 
 
I also have to scrub the top of every can that I open for the same reason. 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to YOU, I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas (never at Chevron so I don’t inadvertantly give money to commies).  Oh I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I will never pick up a bill over $1  in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a predator waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer and also count how many times I’ve re-heated leftovers in plastic containers so that I throw them out after 5 trips in the nuke machine.
 
Speaking of, THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW that I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to  Jamaica ,  Uganda , Singapore, and  Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU, I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . . ..

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time but I no longer worry about my soul because since dutifully forwarding all of your emails, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

Monday Gunday

WARNO: I’m not a pinko. Just having a little fun with the armed crowd.

Not to steal the weekly update title on OPFOR (they call it SUNday Gunday), but I’m pretty excited this evening. As I flipped through my mail awaiting Michael’s stuffed peppers to come out of the oven, opened my new, free NRA membership card! Yes, it’s free to anyone until the dudes over in Nugentland get an audience with anyone outside Fox News. I’m pretty sure the thinking is “if we get eleventythousand more patriotic Americans (emphasis on the ER sound), maybe THEN someone will listen to our ranting about this police-nanny state!”

I see the irony, too. If you’re ever interested in those conspiracies, I have some great conspiracy chain emails in my gmail trash bin. It sounds like the answer is to pop out more red-blooded babies.

So what’s in it for me to sign up with NRA besides the ability to use the firing ranges at a discount and feel straight badass? Two new stickers!

Fw: Favorite

 

DANGEROUS	SAFER	SAFEST	ULTRA  SAFE
What’s for dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like to go for dinner?	Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?	You sure look good in brown!	WOW! Look at you!	Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?	Could we be overreacting?	Here’s my paycheck.	Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?	You know, there are a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?	Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?	I hope you didn’t over-do it today.	I’ve always loved you in that robe!	Here, have some wine.